I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
I've been really sick lately.
I have a few hours each day when I have strength, and those are usually the hours I show people. When I'm not with my friends, pretending that everything is okay, I'm in my bed eating saltines and sipping water.
I don't know if it's the emotional stress of my current trial and the recovery, but it's not fun.
I'm doing the best I can, but I feel I've been failing miserably. I feel no matter how hard I try, I'm always behind. Always hoping for a moment when I can just feel relaxed and let my body have a break. My body has been through so much trauma, and although it's been a blessing in which I've been able to learn so much, and grow as a person, it's been hard. Not just hard emotionally, but physically.
I'm tired of "relearning how to walk".
I'm tired of being so incredibly weak and pretending I'm not.
I'm just tired.
I'm grateful for the patience of my family, my friends and all of you, as I attempt to not be a failure.
I know I'm not a failure, but at times, it feels like I am.
It just feels like it will never end. Even though I've been gaining strength and there's hope for my foot. I've been walking with no or very little assistance, (I have been wearing a wrap around my ankle, just to keep it supported) which is amazing. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with where I need to go, I forget how far I have come.
I'm not trying to make excuses, or have a pity party.
I just wanted to say, I'm not strong enough and I know it. But, with that said, even though I am not enough, I have my Savior, and with Him, I can do anything.
That even though, I'm a light years away from being perfect, He is perfect, and I can come perfected through Him. I can accomplish and overcome anything because He is on my side, rooting for me, cheering for me, helping me through everything.
He is my strength, and when I get to those moments when I feel like I can't go on, that I'm alone, and there's nothing more I can take, He is there.
I'm so very grateful for my testimony, and the relationship I have made with my Savior.
He lives and He loves me.
He loves each one of us, more than we will ever know.
Every time I get overwhelmed with my recovery and all the things I'm going through with my health and physical limitations, and all the rest of the emotions and experiences this event has caused, I hop in my car {yes, literally hop} and drive.
I just drive.
I usually drive when the sun is about to set.
I drive to my favorite spots.
I drive up the canyon. I drive to the spots where I can overlook my town.
I drive, and then, I cry.
I just sob.
I let everything out.
I don't hold back. I just let myself leak watery emotion.
I let myself mourn my old life.
How much I miss the days when I wasn't in constant pain, they days when I could walk normally, when I could go to a different room and not have to concentrate and tell my body it needs to work hard to move and complete simple tasks, the days when my biggest worries were if a boy liked me or not.
I miss those days so much.
I miss the simple things that I can no longer do.
I miss feeling pretty.
I just feel like a gross, broken person sometimes.
I know it's just my foot, I know most people don't care, and a lot of people don't even notice.
But, I do.
I feel so restrained. I feel so self conscious.
I am so very grateful for how blessed I am.
I know that my situation could be, and should have been a lot worse.
In fact, I know that I could have died.
That I could have been completely injured, and that when you think about what my body has gone through, it's a miracle that I am even here.
But, even though, I'm grateful that my body has healed so much, and that I am so very blessed that I am not more injured, that doesn't take away from the fact, that what I am going through is really hard for me.
I struggle.
I do my best to stay positive.
But, some days, I just am sad, and I miss old Nichelle.
So, I drive.
After I drive, I always feel better.
I get to be alone.
I get to think.
I am allowed to think whatever I want when I drive.
I can be sad, mad, happy...
After I get my emotions out, a funny thing happens.
I don't notice my foot. I stop thinking about what worries me, what scares me, and how much pain I am in.
I notice the beauty around me.
I notice the sun set, the trees, the lights from the buildings.
After I get my emotions out, I just enjoy the beauty around me.
Then, suddenly, life doesn't seem so hard.
Life doesn't seem so lonely.
I know that I am here for a reason, and that I am being watched over, and that I am loved.
I am so grateful for my testimony of the Savior.
That I have the knowledge that I'm not alone. That I can do this.
That even though, I don't feel strong enough to go through this, that I can do this.
I can do it, because He is on my side.
That is why I drive.
To remind myself that it's okay to cry.
That I'm surrounded by so much beauty.
That God's hand is everywhere, and that He blesses me every day of my life.
That sometimes, we just need to pause, and let life be life, and know that we aren't alone.
I've decided it's okay that I feel like is hard at times.
Because it is.
We each are going through our own individual trials.
We each have hard things that we have to work through, that we have to accomplish, that we have to overcome. But, as we go through these things, we will become better. We will grow, and we will see the blessings and the strengths that come through these difficult experiences, we may not see them in the midst of the pain, but, they are there.
These drives of mine, help to remind me of how much I am blessed, they help me get out emotion and truly think and process what I am going through.
I go on these drives so often, there's a rule for my car...
I only listen to my Church, Gospel or Spiritual CD's in my car...
Throughout my life, I have come to this knowledge.
It didn't come by some loud, powerful experience. It came through small miracles. It come through tender mercies. It came through thought, study and prayer.
I feel so blessed, that I have come to know my Savior.
That I have be blessed to feel of his love. To know that He lives. To know that He loves ME. To know, that he suffered, for ME. That he suffered for YOU. Not just for your sins, but for your pains. For your hardships. For your heartbreaks. For your shortcomings. Because of Him, we can be made perfect. Because of Him, I can repent. I can live.
I've made my fair share of mistakes.
I've hurt others, I've wandered. I've lost my way.
My Savior, he made it possible for me to come back. For me to heal, to repent.
But, beyond the miracle of Him suffering for my sins.
He suffered all my pains.
He knows what it's like, He understands all.
He is my solace, my strength, and my hope.
I would like to share two experiences from my life.
These are the two hardest things that I've ever had to go through in my entire life.
I will try not to make them too long.
The hardest thing that I've ever had to go through was having my fiance leave me. I would go through all the physical pain of my accident, all the surgeries, all the hurt and suffering my body has gone through one thousand times over before going through that experience again.
I truly loved my fiance, even though, he was not the man I thought he was, and he lied, stole and cheated on me, I can't escape the fact, that I loved him with all I had.
I was heartbroken.
It literally felt like my heart had broken in two.
That I could die at any second.
I did not understand how one person could cause so much heartbreak.
I knew that I should be glad he was gone, but it took awhile to get there. I had no idea how to do it. I had no idea how to mend something that felt so broken.
So, I spent every waking moments with friends.
I went to every church activity I could.
I went to every school concert and sporting event.
I didn't allow myself to think about it.
Then, one day, I went sledding with friends.
I agreed to sled down in a chain, which I normally wouldn't do, because I'm always cautious.
But, in order to forget about the heartbreak, I did everything. {unless it was an obvious danger} I flirted more, I left my comfort zone, I did everything I could to be the bubbly person in the room, I agreed to sled down an icy hill.
Que: the second hardest thing in my life.
My accident.
The months following my accident, I had nothing to do but deal with my life.
I had to face the feelings I had been pushing aside.
I had nothing to do, but lay helpless in bed.
Full of physical pain, and emotional heartbreak.
I couldn't move my body without a surge of unbelievable pain racing through my body.
I couldn't have a single thought without wanted to burst into tears.
I was trapped.
I had two options.
I could face this with faith and hope.
I could face this with bitterness and anger.
I decided to face my trials with faith.
I knew that I had my family and friends on my side.
I could feel the prayers of those who loved me.
I knew, that even though I had hard years ahead of me, that I could conquer this.
That I could do anything.
If, I gave my life to my Savior, if I let Him guide my life.
I knew that I was weak, that I was not capable of this on my own.
I know that the Savior has suffered for my mistakes, my short comings and my sins.
But, above that, I know that He can take my pain away.
That He can heal a broken heart.
A broken body.
If there is anything you are struggling with, no matter how big or how small.
He is there for you.
He loves you.
And He died for YOU.
If He had to do it all over again, and it was only for you, He would.
His love for you in endless, is pure, is amazing.
How I wish you knew, how I wish we could each understand the magnitude of His love.
I know He is the Savior of all.
But, I know He is my Savior.
My best friend.
He is The Christ.
I am blessed beyond comprehension.
I am not deserving of His love and grace.
But, how grateful I am, that He died for me, and that despite my imperfections,
He loves me.
{artwork by Vintage Wanna Bee}
I know He lives.
I know He loves me.
I know He is The Christ.
No power or person on earth, can make me deny the truths I know.
I have come to know them for myself.
Nothing on earth, can take away those spiritual moments that I have been blessed to have, to feel, and to know.
I am not wise enough, or eloquent enough to put down my thoughts and feelings in words.
I wish I could just let you feel how I feel.
So you could know, what I know.
But, we all can come to know Him, we just have to seek him.
I know He is waiting with open arms.
He can and will protect us from all harm.
He will guide us through hard times, and carry us when we are too weak.
I love my Savior with all my heart.
I don't know how else to say it.
But, I hope I can live a life to prove to Him that those words are true.
So, I've gotten a lot of emails asking, what my surgery was for, and how long I will be recovering.
This post isn't to make you feel bad for me, I'm just telling you the facts of my recovery. Ha. It's really okay, I'm actually quite excited, but I will admit, I am very overwhelmed.
This is my 5th surgery since my accident, and hopefully the last.
Before I get into the details of the surgery, I first wanted to say that I am so grateful for modern medicine. Even though, it as a mistake during surgery that has caused all of this in my life, I"m grateful for all the ways that modern medicine can help. I feel very blessed that there are so many ways my life can get better and I can heal.
When I first found out that my leg was paralyzed, over two years ago, all I wanted was to walk again. I didn't understand what exactly had happened. My situation wasn't explained to me, so I thought that I would have to be in wheel chair for the rest of my life. I never knew about the different braces I could wear, or that my leg had potential for repairing itself, or that I had an option for surgery if the nerve couldn't repair itself.
So, as I laid in my hospital bed, I prayed.
Please let me walk again.
Soon after I was home, I read this scripture passage. I can't remember if it was during my own personal study, or if it was during a Sunday School class.
1. Now Peter and John went up together into the temple at the hour of prayer, being the ninth hour. 2. And a certain man lame from his mother's womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gates of the temple, which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; 3. Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked an alms. 4. And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. 5. And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them. 6. Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk. 7. And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. 8. And he leaping up stood, and walked and entered with them into the temple, walking and leaping and praising God.
Let me tell you this right now, prayers are answered.
Even though, I wasn't walking on my own, I was walking 6 months after the surgical accident. (with the assistance of my brace.)
Sometimes, prayers are answered in unexpected ways. I thought when I prayed that I would walk again, that that would mean my leg would be healed. But, that wasn't the case, and I still needed to learn from this trial.
As the months went on, I kept hoping for a full recovery. I was told that I had a very high chance of my nerve heal on it's own. One year passed, and I was getting worried. I was past the point that they thought it would take to heal. They reassured me that nerves are hard to predict, and I had another year. During the first two years I should be patient, and if had been longer than two years, that that this the point that I should explore other options.
So, as months passed and I was getting closer to my two year mark, I was getting nervous. I was scared. I thought that I didn't have enough faith. That I hadn't worked hard enough, that I needed to do more to help my foot heal. That I wasn't doing something right. I had to learn on my own, that sometimes things just happen. Sometimes, even if we have faith, and even if we work hard, sometimes, bad things just happen. As much as I wanted to healed, and even though I knew God could heal me, He had a different plan. That for reasons I still don't understand, my foot isn't going to be healed in this life. That this is a trial I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.
I was heartbroken.
For the longest time, I really thought that is was my fault. That I hadn't done enough. It took a lot for me to fully accept what had happened, and that it wasn't going to change.
Sometimes, we go through life experiences that just don't make sense. It's not because we did or didn't do something, it's because it's life. Because, we are here to learn. But, it's during those times that we can learn and grow as individuals. We won't become stronger people by coasting through life, we become stronger through hard work. Growth takes work. You can't expect to get to where you want to end up by doing nothing. All my life I've wanted to be a faithful woman of God, a good daughter, and someday an awesome mom, I feel that the experiences in my life are helping me to achieve those goals. God knows the desires of my heart, and he is helping me get to where I am right now, to where I want to be. I may not understand that road that is before me, but I know it will lead to me to great places.
So now, two years have passed and I have a big decision to make.
Should I try the surgery that may help me slightly, or should I just continue with where I am.
The surgery is called a Tendon Transfer/ Release.
The diagnosis for my paralyzed foot is called drop foot. So, I basically have no motor function. If someone holds my foot up at a 90 degree angle, I can push down on their hand, but because I have drop foot, my foot already drops so the downward motion that I do have control over doesn't really do anything. Other than that, I have no control of my foot. I have no motor function. I do have sensory, but it isn't right. Some areas of my leg are numb, some are normal and some are hyper sensitive.
This surgery is meant to help me with day to day activities. It will hold my foot up, which is what my brace does currently. It will not fix or heal my foot. It will just make it easier to move around without a brace. I still won't have control over my foot, so even though it will stabilize my foot up, the side to side motion that I have no control over will always be a struggle. (Which is why I am so clumsy and off balanced. I can't use my left leg to balance at all, even with a brace.) This surgery will make it so I won't have to wear my brace as often, but I will need a brace for the rest of my life.
Now, the recovery. This is the exciting part.
Ha.
Ugh...
I have a very, very, very looooong road ahead of me...
I will be in my current cast for a total of 10 weeks.
During this time, I am not allowed to put any pressure or weight on my foot.
Which is fine, because over the past 2 years, I've mastered the art of hopping and using crutches.
After the 10 weeks, the Doctor will examine my foot and tell me if the surgery worked. There's a chance it won't, so I will just have to always use a brace. Then, I will be in a different brace for another 6 weeks. I will be allowed to walk, and use my leg, as long as I'm wearing the brace.
After those 16 weeks, I will go to Physical Therapy for 6 months relearning how to walk. The signals being sent to my foot will be messed up, because they rerouted my tendons, so I'm going to have to retrain my brain and leg.
After those 6 months, I will continue in Physical Therapy for a total of a year. I will continue to work on my foot, so that I can learn and understand the limitations of my foot. I will try to relearn to do as much as I can, but my foot will have severe limitations. For the rest of my life, I will have to continue in Physical Therapy to be able to do day to day tasks and to keep my foot and my body mobile.
So, that is what my recovery looks like.
I have at least 1 year of hard work ahead of me.
Thank you for your wishes for a quick recovery, your prayers have helped. I have been able to have complete days where I have been with manageable pain. So, thank you. This wasn't a quick fix, and it technically wasn't even a fix. My foot won't be healed, but I will have the option of not wearing a brace, if I work hard enough.
Just so you all know, my goal is to walk without any assistance (no brace- no nothin') by my birthday is July. I figured a 23 year old should know how to walk...
Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts, I plan on keeping you updated, so I hope you don't get sick of hearing about my foot, because I have a long journey ahead of me.
Over two years ago, my life changed dramatically. I had decided to go sledding with a bunch of my friends, and this decision would forever alter my life.
You see, when I went sledding, I hit a tree. We had made a chain of five of us, on inner tubes, on the icy side of the hill. Of course, me, being the wimp of the group, was in the middle, so the guys could hold on to me and I wouldn't break the chain. We started down the hill, and we were going faster than anticipated, with no plan of action. I had an overwhelming feeling that I didn't need to think, I just needed to protect my head and twist my body. So, I did just that. The next thing I remember is waking up in the Emergency Room.
Between the time I had felt to protect my head, and the ER, this is what had happened:
I had hit the tree which had cause my back to break in 3 places, I had broken all the ribs on the right side of my body, and I had punctured, deflated, and bruised my right lung. My left hip was also dislocated. (Remember that one for later.)
I woke up, and realised where I was. Blinked a few times, then was suddenly was overwhelmed with the most horrible pain. I immediately started to panic. I had no idea where my friends were, if my family knew, how badly I had been injured. I had never been stung by a bee, or broken a bone, severe damage to my body was something I was not use to. I had no idea how to handle being in the hospital. Then, I saw my Dad. Even though the pain didn't go away, I knew I was safe. He told me that I had been injured while sledding and they needed to find out what had happened.
I was in and out at this point, thankfully. Because when I woke back up, I was in worse pain than I was before. They explained the accident, and I accepted it, staying the next 7 days in the hospital. Joking and making light of the situation saying, "Well at least I wasn't paralyzed."
Boy, I should be careful what I say.
Because of my dislocated hip, I needed to have surgery to have some fragments removed. They had decided to wait for my body to heal before putting me into a surgery. So three weeks after my accident, I went in for surgery.
During the surgery, my sciatic nerve was damaged.
I woke up, not able to move my left leg.
Panic struck.
The doctor came and said it was normal for the first few hours after surgery and to call him if it was longer than a few hours.
Nothing changed.
They did some tests, and decided they needed to go back in and see what had happened. After that surgery they confirmed the damage.
My left leg was paralyzed.
I was in shock.
I can't remember if I cried or not.
My family did.
My situation wasn't really explained to me, I had no idea if I would walk again.
The next few months were some of the hardest of my life.
I had severe nerve pain, if someone walked by my foot too fast, the wind would cause unbelievable pain to explode through my whole body. As time went by, the pain went down, but I still couldn't use my foot.
After I was able to get out of bed and move around (on my rad walker) I slowly got better. As I visited Doctors, they said that nerves could repair, but it would probably take close to a year.
That wasn't that bad.
I could handle that.
I went to physical therapy, went from a walker, to crutches, to a cane, to being able to wobble without anything in a matter of weeks. *power of hard work in action* Then I got a custom brace which allows me to walk normally, so with long pants, no one can really tell.
I went back to school, got a job. Tried my best to be normal and not let my paralyzed foot hold me back. Granted, it was painful, is painful, everyday is a struggle. I have to turn down hiking dates, dancing with friends and beach trips. But, I was okay. I knew if I worked hard enough, I'd be okay one day.
Well, it now has been two years.
I'm not better, and my nerve won't ever heal.
But, that's okay.
I'm just fine.
I've had ups and downs, breakdowns and failures. But, I haven't lost my faith. I'm better for going through this. It's one of the hardest things I've had to go through in my short life, but I'm grateful. It's taught me that I can accomplish anything. I've relearned how to walk for crying out loud! I have another surgery coming up, and I have a whole life time of limping ahead of me, but I'm so glad to still be on this earth. My accident SHOULD have killed me, I should've been paralyzed from my back breaking, but I was given the easy way out. My left foot doesn't work. Meh, that's life.
Throughout this whole experience, I've just tried to remember this...
"Everything will be okay."
I know that I've been through a lot, but that just means I have a lot of blessings in store. When you know how it feels to be completely heart broken and hopeless, you have a greater capacity to feel and know true joy.
I'm grateful for life and it's trials. They mold us into who we are, and make us better, more compassionate, stronger individuals.
If you are going through a trial, just know, everything will be okay.
First, I wanted to say thank you to everyone for your patience with me as I've been avoiding the computer while I prepare for my surgery.
Thank you for being patient while I post a little less, while I put my shop on vacation... and thank you for letting me put a hold on emails, and I promise, I will email you back, and post giveaway winners and all that fun stuff...
So, thank you.
Thank you for understanding, that I needed a break.
Thanks for understanding that this is a very personal time, and that I needed to take some personal time.
Is that normal the morning of a surgery?
I mean, of course I'm nervous.
I, more than most, understand the complications of surgeries.
Heck, I've been living the results of a surgery gone wrong for the past 2.5 years.
Read more here.
But, I have faith in my Doctors.
Faith in God.
Faith in my decision.
It was my choice to go through this surgery.
It isn't mandatory.
It's an option to possibly make day to day life a little easier.
I'm fully aware of the dozen of weeks ahead of me where I will have severely limited mobility.
That to fully recover from this will take months and months of physical therapy.
That this may not help at all.
That I have a long road ahead of me.
But, I know I'll be okay.
Worse case scenario, they work on the wrong leg, mess that one up, then I'm in a wheel chair for the rest of my life.
Joke. Worse case is I die.... but... that won't happen.
Best case.
This helps me with the small day to day tasks that are painful.
That are frustrating.
Hopefully this surgery will make it so I can...
Wear normal shoes.
Walk without a brace.
Walk on grass.
Walk on the beach.
Sigh.
To walk on grass again.
You have no idea how awesome that sounds.
To be able to walk on the grass, without my brace, without holding on to something.
To be able to get up, and walk when I want.
Without stretching my bum leg so it fits in my brace.
Without the pain of walking on plastic.
Heavenly.
I'm really excited for this surgery.
I know it may not work, and I know I have a long, hard road ahead of me.
But, if there is one thing I've learned from this life experience.
I'm awesome at long, hard roads.
I wouldn't be without, faith.
I wouldn't be without, hope.
without my family
without my friends
without prayer
without blessings.
I'm leaving to go to Creative Estates, (Which is 12 hours driving to the South) I may need to take a trip to Oregon right when I get back. (Which is 12 hours driving to the North) I need to finish orders, I need to write posts, I need to email people...
Then, I am having a surgery.
Awesome, right?!
Let's just say, I'm slightly overwhelmed at the moment. I've been trying to hard not to freak out, to let people help me and to stay calm. Those three things, are the things I'm the worst at. I'm a professional freaker-outer.
And, Elise, Ashley and Elisabeth told me everything will be okay.
My mind is everywhere right now.
But I just wanted to write this post and say thank you, thank you to all my friends and those who support me, even when I'm a little crazy.
I also wanted to say, how grateful I am for my Savior.
And for the comfort I feel about the major trials in my life.
I know that, even though life is crazy, painful, and stressful right now, that I am being watched over.
That I can learn from all that I'm going through.
I'm actually starting to get really scared for my surgery.
I'm scared something will go wrong. (again.)
That I'm getting my hopes up, and that it won't help.
I'm scared that I'm making the wrong decision.
I'm scared.
I'm scared for my year long recovery.
I'm scared for the pain.
But, I know that this is the right decision for me.
I know that things will be okay.
I just need to remember that, and have faith.
I've come so far, and I have grown so much. I look forward to my new trials, and I hope that I can become the person that God is intending for me to be. That I can take the good and bad experiences of my life, and that I can grow and learn, and stretch myself into a better and more faithful person.
We all go through trials, and I'm grateful for mine.
I know that I am going through all of this for a reason, and that I am being watched over.
I love the quote from the picture at the beginning of this post.
"Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room... so if you see darkness in your life, be reassured that a beautiful picture is being prepared."
So, if any of you are going through a hard time, or you feel that there is darkness, or you are loosing hope. Just remember, things will get better, and you have to go through a little pain and sorrow to know what it is to experience joy.
The Savior went through so much pain so that we can return to him.
We can endure a little bit here are there, to be worthy of that blessing.
Sometimes, as life goes by, people tend to forget one simple thing.
Our worth.
I know I do.
I get caught up in the busyness of life, the success of others. I notice all the ways I'm not enough. I see people doing amazing things, changing the world, traveling to distant lands, dressing in the finest fashions, living in big mansions and enjoying their 'perfect' lives.
I get caught up in comparing myself to everyone around me.
I'm not as tall as her.
I'm not as funny as her.
I'm not as pretty as her.
I haven't done as much in life as them.
I see most of the people my age, graduating from college, traveling the world, getting married, having babies... and what am I doing? I'm writing a blog post, which, will be the exact same thing I do tomorrow night, and probably the night after that. (Not that that's bad, I really love you guys.) I look at my life, and I just feel like I'm falling behind. That there's so much I should be doing, and I'm not.
Sometimes people look at me, and ask, why aren't you married? You're not graduated? You don't have kids? Uh, nope. I'm busy being awesome.
But here is what I have done.
I've conquered hard things.
I've relearned how to walk after an accident that almost took that away from me.
I've taken a paralyzed ankle, and I've RAN.
I've suffered imaginable heartache, and I've come out BETTER for it.
I NEVER lost my faith in God through hard times.
I've held on to the things that have always been the core of who I am, even though it would have been easier to forget them.
I've stayed positive.
I've learned WHO I am.
I know what I need out of myself, others and life.
I can let go.
I can grow.
I can take situations that most people would freak out about, and then I can solve the situation and laugh.
I've done all of those things because of who I am.
I am a daughter of God.
I am a Woman of FAITH.
I am Nichelle.
Being Nichelle is pretty awesome.
Even though, I break down, I cry, I get emotional, I get overwhelmed, I fail. All of my failures don't matter, because I get up, dust myself off and keep going.
I know how special I am, that there are things that I can do, that no one else can. We each are here for a reason, we each meet the people in our lives for a purpose. There's something YOU can do, that no one else can.
NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE.
You are special, you are needed, you are of worth.
I'm doing my best not to get caught up in comparing myself to others.
Yes, they are great, wonderful, amazing people.
But, I'm just as great, because God made me, and He doesn't mess up, He creates beautiful and wondrous things, He made me, and He loves me, and that's quite an amazing thing.
So, I'm on a committee for my community's Food Pantry.
We need a new building, so today I had meetings with my fellow church members, asking them to help spread the word about this good cause, to see if we can rally the community together to help out those in need.
I'm so amazed at the power of giving. There are so many people in the world who need so much, and I feel so blessed.
So, as you go throughout this week, I ask that you count your blessings, and notice someone who may be in need. Maybe you could volunteer at a shelter, or donate your time or money, or maybe you could just lend a helping hand or a smile. Helping others brings us closer to God, and we are blessed for our efforts.
I'm so grateful for all the opportunities I have to serve.
I hope that in some small way, I'm helping to make the world a better place to live in.
When you give of yourself, you are blessed in return, so why not do it? You only have blessings to gain.
For those of you who actually are my real life friends, you may know why. But, I was sorta hiding away from the world this week, so maybe not.
On Wednesday, it was my "Two Year Anniversary" of my accident. It was a little hard to swallow. Because, well, two years is a long time, and basically makes me feel hopeless about the chance of recovery. But, hey. That's life right?
So yes, I had a pity party this week for myself, but don't worry. I'm over that. I was just being silly anyway.
But, I just wanted to share with you how grateful I am for this experience. It has caused me to stretch myself to be stronger, more faithful and work hard than I ever expected I would ever need to.
The day of my accident, I'll be honest, I don't really remember much. But to spare a lot of the details, I'll just tell you about the things I've been thinking about. When I was first in the ER my Grandpa came to say a prayer and give me a blessing to give me comfort and help me heal. My Grandpa is a very strong, knowledgeable, spiritual giant. He came and blessed me that I would have comfort and strength to get through this trial. It was such a blessing to be surrounded by my family, and to have the prayers of so many to help me through this.
We'll call that, Prayer #1.
Now, Prayer #2. (Obviously, there were many more prayers then the three I'm going to talk about, but you know... this post would be a novel if I were to talk about all the prayers I said, and were said in my behalf during this time.) Anyway, Prayer #2. happened after I had found out about the second accident, not the accident that started everything, but the accident that the doctor had made. I remember him coming into my hospital room, and I instantly knew something was wrong. I had a weird feeling before the surgery, but I had just accounted that to the fact, that I was having surgery and that I was in a lot of pain from all my injuries. But, I knew that there was something wrong. He came in and explained briefly that during the surgery something had gone wrong and my nerve was damaged, and that's why I wasn't able to move my leg. He left. I was lost. I just sat there for a few minutes, trying to understand what had just happened. I had no idea what this meant, or what was going to happen. I couldn't ask either, because the doctor had just left.
After a few minutes, my mom came to my side, and put her hand on mine. It would be too painful for her to touch me, so she just did the best she could. I remember being filled with so much emotion and just crying and crying. I honestly thought I would never walk again.
I prayed. Please, let me walk again.
Now, Prayer #3. This was Wednesday. Obviously, a lot of prayers and time have passed. Two years to be exact. Clearly, I'm walking around, and doing okay. But this last prayer was a little different. I was grateful to my Heavenly Father about all my blessings. I was blessed with a miraculous recovery. The initial accident, 8 broken ribs, 1 punctured lung, 1 dislocated hip, 3 broken back bones, all healed in three weeks. Miracle? I think so. It was such a blessing too. I don't know how I would've survived dealing with all of that after my leg was paralyzed. It was such a blessing, and it allowed me to focus on gaining leg strength and learning how to walk again.
On Wednesday, I was tired, I was lonely and I was scared. I was suppose to be better by now. I was suppose to have my leg back. But, I don't. But, I've healed in others ways. I've learned to rely on my Savior in ways I never would have learned if I hadn't of gone through this.
My prayers were answered. All of them. Not really in the way I expected, but they were. I secretly was hoping my leg would be healed, but it's not. And that's okay.
ACTS 3: 2-8
2. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple;
3. Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked an alms.
4. And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us.
5. And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them.
6. Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.
7. And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength.
8. And he leaping up stood, and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.
Now, I may not be able to leap at the moment, but I can stand and walk.
I now that I am so blessed, and that the Lord has answered my prayers and will continue to.
I know that through all my trials, that He is always with me, and that I am never alone.
I hope you all have a fantastic Sunday.
I hope that you are blessed today.
The teacher asked us, "When is a time in your life that you felt complete Chartiy for someone?'
As I thought about this, it acutally was a little harder than I thought it would be. It's so easy to think about times I have served, or the times when others have served me, and I know that they felt a pure love for me. But, to sit and think, when did I truly love someone with a pure love. A love without any flaw. That's a little intense. Because, if I'm honest with myself, I know that I'm really selfish, even when I'm trying to focus on others. For instance, "How can I help this person?" or "What should I do?" Now, I don't think these are bad thoughts, but would it be better to think, "What do they need?" or "What would the Savior do for them, if he were here?"
What we talked about after reading The Good Samaritan, is how it's hard for us to do that same thing today. Sometimes, it's easier to be charitable towards people we care about, or to those we don't know who really need it. But, The Good Samaritan was kind and giving to someone who was suppose to be his enemy. How many times in my life have I had ill-will towards someone who wronged me. Let me tell you, it's more times than I would like to admit.
If we truly carry the true spirit of charity, it would be towards any and all people we come in contact with.
Charity doesn't always have to be giving up a lot of you time, or donating lots of money. A simple hello, or phone call can go along way. The Savior preformed great miracles, but I have no doubt, that when he saw a little old lady, he helped her cross the street, or if he saw someone drop something, he stopped to help them pick it up.
I know the times in my life when friends have done small things to make my day go better have made the world of difference in my life.
Charity can be something big, or something small. The thought should be, how can I act more like the Savior? Because, even though he did great and miraculous things, it's by 'small and simple things that great things are brought to pass.'
Line upon line.
So, here's this weeks goal:
Think once a day, every day, how can I help somebody today.
Sometimes, as life gets stressful, and things pile up, we forget the real reason for the season. If we truly thought about the miracle of Christmas, there would be no room for unhappiness, for we truly have been given good tidings of great joy.
Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and
dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up.
The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!"
The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on its way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!"
The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world."
Years passed and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said.
The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"
The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax the third tree fell.
The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, nor with treasure. She was coated with sawdust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals.
The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty ship was made that day. Instead, the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river. Instead she was taken to a little lake.
The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..."
Many, many days and nights passed.
The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him," her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful," she said.
And suddenly the first tree knew she was holding the greatest treasure in the world.
One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew she was carrying the King of heaven and earth.
One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God.That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.
So the next time you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy because God is thinking of something better to give you.
It would be cooler if other people did, but that's for another blog post.
I bought a ring that says this, "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change."
Why?
Well, there's a very specific reason.
In a little over a month, I will be celebrating my "Two Year Anniversary" of my accident.
I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
I'm broken.
I'm defeated.
I'm upset.
I'm sad.
Two years ago, I was told this, "With the extent of your nerve damage, we should see slight improvements 6 months to a year down the road. It's very likely that some improvement will happen during this time, then it will continue to slowly progress. If we don't see progress in two years, then it's very unlikely your nerve will repair itself, and we can discuss options (a tendon transfer) at that point."
So, as my two year mark is vastly approaching, I'm having a hard time finding the balance between having unwavering faith, keeping hope and well, facing reality.
Because, the fact is, the only improvements that have been shown on my nerve tests during the past two years are so small they aren't really worth documenting.
Gee, thanks doc.
So, I really am trying to be optimistic, my normal responses to the question, "How's your foot doing?" are:
*Oh, it's about the same, but that's alright.
*I'm just working on gaining strength back. It will get better.
*We're hopeful it will get better soon.
Sometimes, in my head, I say, It's freaking paralyzed, how do you think it is?!
Maybe it's the cold weather, or thinking about how long it's been, but I'm getting a little down. That also could be attributed to the fact that my foot reacts weird to the cold.
(By the way, I don't have movement in my left ankle/foot. But I can feel everything, oh boy, can I feel everything.)
But it's alright. No really, it is.
I mean, yeah, this isn't the greatest thing in the world to deal with, but I am so very blessed.
I hate when I loose sight of that.
I'm better than that.
I'm so very grateful to my Heavenly Father and for the countless blessings I've received because of this. I've learned so much, and I've become such a stronger person. I like to think my patience has increased, but if I say that, I'm just going to get another "lesson" in patience. I've meet so many wonderful people because of my foot. I never would've blogged if it hadn't of been for my accident. (Gasp, what would you all do without me!*insert sarcasm font*.)
But, I think one of the biggest lessons I'm realizing right now that I've learned is that, life isn't always going to go your way. That life sometimes kicks you in the pants, but it's what you do after you are down that counts. We all have things in our lives that are hard, that paralyze us, that stop us from doing certain things, but the truth is, God always provides a way. Maybe I'm not going to run to the end of the race, maybe I'm going to limp along, laughing and learning the whole way. You know what, that's okay. Who likes running anyway?
So, as I go forward to live the rest of my awesome life, I'm going to accept the trials, the hardships, and the blessings that God has given me.
