Cause I closed my shop (temporarily, it will be back) and sold a whole bunch of supplies and discount products...
I may have or may have not had a total breakdown recently...
and these may or may not have been the thoughts that went through my mind...
- "Balsfhsfhsioefhsldfsdkfbsnofsndfosehfskhfl"
- "All I do is work, eat, go to my other job, blog, make stuff for the shop, eat, sleep... why am I such a LOSER!?!?!"
- "I'm alone."
- "I'm afraid."
- "I'm worn out, and tired and broken."
I've had a few 'trials' recently, and let's just say, I'm not recovered from them. And for some reason, this past little bit, I've started to feel the weight of all of them.
I'm alone and afraid.
I can't open up. I just can't do it. I don't trust people. I only trust my family, Elise and Ashley. Yep... that about covers it. This is going to sound really obnoxious and vain, but I don't know else to say it, but... Boys want to date me. I just can't do it. I like friends, I'll be their friend, but I can't put my heart on the line again. It's not like I've had major things happen to me... so I should be able to trust people more than I do, but the fact is I don't. I'm just waiting for them to leave me for something better, manipulate me because I'm "too nice", or just take my heart out and rip it and crush it.
I really do try. But, I've actually come to terms with being alone for my life. Which is sad and pathetic cause I'm only 21. I'm way too young to be saying stuff like this. But, in my short little life, my little sensitive heart has been hurt just enough to make me completely closed off.
I can't see myself ever being in a relationship ever again.
Weird right?
I'm sure some people are just going to be like, get over it, it doesn't matter, it was so long ago. But, they aren't me... they don't understand how things effect me. I'm way too emotional and sensitive for my own good. It's easier to just avoid things because of how sensitive I am. I'm just too scared to feel that pain again.
I'm broken.
Literally, I'm broken. Like, my body doesn't work. For those of you who don't know... my ankle is paralyzed. Now, that sounds a lot worse than it is... I get along fine. A lot of people I met never find out because I have this super cool custom brace that makes me seem normal. I love/hate it. I love it, cause it makes it so I can walk, I hate it because it's about as fun as wearing cactus pants.
This has been a really hard thing in my life. I was suppose to be better by now. I'm not. I'm afraid I won't ever be. I'm sick of being in pain, being held back, and not having a body that can do all the things I want to do.
We're going to stop talking about this, because I'm crying and I need to finish writing this post....
I'm tired.
I don't know about you, but sometimes, blogging takes up way too much of my time and energy.
This blog pretty much exploded, it's bigger than I ever even imagined and it's only been 8ish months. So, I feel this weird obligation to you all, (I LOVE YOU ALL, PLEASE DON'T THINK I DON'T, I really REALLY do. ) and sometimes I just wonder why I even do this.
Do you guys really care?
Do I really care? Okay, yes I do.
Is this worth it?
How many freaking emails can I get a day?!
What else can go wrong? Emails get lost, shipping gets messed up, people say mean things...
Blah blah blah.
I'm just being a complainy pants. I really love blogging, and my shop and everything about the bloggy world...
BUT I NEED A BREAK.
So, I closed my shop and I'm not going to post for a day or two.... or three or four...
I'm fine. I'm just tired, and need a mini vacation, and since I'm poorer than dirt, I'm going to just take a break from blogging and my shop... because those are the two jobs I have control over... I can't really tell my two bosses.. "Hey ummmmm.. it's either a break from you or blogging.... So... Can I have a week off?"
I'll be back.
I'm just tired.... and a little down on myself.
Life just seems to be getting worse instead of better.
I'm sure I just need a good slap in the face and I'll be fine.
Sorry for being so negative. I hope to be rejuvenated after a little break. :)
Thanks friends!!!!
-Nichelle
19 comments:
I know how breakdowns feel. I don't judge you at all. I'm just proud of you for standing up for yourself and taking a break. I'm sure it will do you SO much good. You deserve some relaxation :)
We all need a break once in a while. I've felt the same way at times with blogging. "These people don't even really know me...are they faking nice? Because sometimes I'm faking nice and it's exhausting."
Okay well...maybe that's just me:) Don't be so hard on yourself and serious about what I'm sure began as a hobby or a journal (I assume this blog did begin that way, as most do). Relax, refocus and recharge. Be happy:)
Blogging can become a virtue or a vice sometimes. I wonder if people like the posts I am making or do they actually like anything about me too.
(I am taking a couple of weeks away from blogging and I am excited to see things I may have been missing out on)
Hang in there, Nichelle. Your awesome!
Really hope you feel better, Miss Bee. We'll miss you.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling. But please know that you are not alone. Women of all ages go through "breakdowns" from time to time. I pray that this break allows you the time you need to refocus and heal. Blessings!
Hang in there. It will get better, I promise. I don't know what exactly you're going through, but having been through trials of my own as everyone has....it DOES get better.
Some of what you said reminds me of a friend of mine, and a book she just finished reading. I haven't read it myself, but she really liked it, so maybe you would. It's called "The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You " by Elaine N. Aron. Never hurts to look, I guess.
Enjoy your break. We all need them!
I can totally relate to some of what you're going through. I understand how long it can take for your hear to heal and be able to trust again. I'm not completely healed, but it does get better. You'll continue to find people one by one who you can just trust, and that helps. Plus, if I remember right, you are LDS like myself, and you'll always have the Lord on your side, and you know it. Good luck with everything, I hope the break helps and look forward to your return to the world of blogs.
I want to tell you a few things:
-Breakdowns are good. They feel good, they are good and they sometimes make things better. Sometimes they make things worse, but only for a minute.
-Cactus pants. lol
-Love will come when you LEAST expect it. And that means it will be good. Like really good. Like worth it all.
-Life is what you make it.
-The only person you have an obligation to is yourself. Love that. Own that. Live that. No, you don't owe a damn thing to anyone else-not even God. Yep, I just said that. Don;t take offense. Worry about YOU and what YOU need. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Taken a deep breathe, take a little break, take a rest and then get back on your horse and ride...ride like the wind. You are special and you are loved. Don't let life get you down. Be strong and be determined. You matter and you count.
XO
It gets better. Promise. :)
And as a wedding photographer, I'm reminded daily that love always seems to have a way of jumping in when you least expect it. Take some time off, take some deep breaths, and you'll be good before you know it!
I don't know exactly how you feel hun. But I know sucky life. We will be here when you are ready. Life can be really hard. I wish I knew you better. I wish I could say or do soemthing to mkae it better. But since my husband passed away last year I have learned that just knowing someone is there for you is the biggest help. If you need someone to talk at, talk to, cry with etc, I'm here.
I know we don't know each other but I'm still here.
-Paty
Angel.baby.paty@gmail.com
A break is good. From blogging, selling and from boys, its all good. I was hurt badly as well and after that breakup I dated men who were no good for me and I realized that my behavior was self destructive. So I took a break and that was the best thing. Learn to live with yourself and to love yourself (flaws and all) and you'll come out stronger.
I send you my love and understanding. I JUST talked to my 22yr old daughter this sunday as she was crying and saying she was alone and stressed with school and recent breakup. I just want you to always remember you are loved. Take a break but, I would miss ya sweetie so take your break but...please come back! hugs and prayers, mel
Oh yea! I have felt that way many many times. It does get easier. Right now your doing the best thing for yourself. You are taking time off. I am also in the same place with my blog. I really started it to help people. It takes up ALL of my time. I'm not even sure people are reading it everyday. I even get mean emails sometimes. It's just the way it is sometimes. My blog is time sensitive so I can't take a break. If I could and not loose any readers that I might have... then I would! In a heartbeat!!! I also run 2 Etsy shops and I have custom orders coming up everywhere. I'm gratefull for the sales, but I'm so exhausted. AND I'm to nice to say no or turn a sale away! *sigh*
*HUGS*
Many many hugs to you!! I have been there and as hard as we try, we just can't do it all. Sometimes the world is a little lonely, even for those of us who seem to have it all together. I hope your break is rejuvinating and that you find whatever it is that will bring you some comfort and peace. :)
Ohh you poor thing. Don't worry about it...we all hit that point where we need to take a break...and then you can come back refreshed and better than ever! Do what you need to do for yourself and then think about everything and everyone else. You are a funny, talented, wonderful girl and you deserve only the best!
I am sorry. Even though I dont know you..I do know how you are feeling..I have been there. It will get better I promise. Taking a break is a good idea. I am not even a big timer blogger and it still stresses me out a little..and I start to have "Mom guilt"...just know that things will get better. Promise
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